"Cold Turkey"
- Jacob 08.30.09
So, we finally went and did it: we went and quit WoW.
Once you find yourself logging in each day for the sole purpose of doing daily transmutes and checking an empty mailbox, it's time to let it go. It doesn't help matters when your best friends decide to betray you and trade in honest friendship to go cyber 15-year-old boys and play gothy attention whore for a bunch of fake lesbians.
And our timing couldn't have been better! Not a week after we closed down our accounts, Blizzard decided to squat down and plop a huge steaming pile all over the Warcraft Lore. A race of pointy-eared arcane haters suddenly sprouting mages? Yeah, there's continuity for you. And I'm sure the addition of werewolves to the game in a part of the world Chris Metzen claims he "just forgot about" has nothing to do with the developers drooling over the next Twilight movie like the guilds of retarded vampire fanboys that clutter up roleplaying servers.
Dumbasses.
So, what does that mean for this site? Well, Rotten Apples still has a backlog of descriptions with people e-mailing new ones in every day. And I'm sure Blizzard's newest stunt will only make them get worse. It's not running out of new material that's the problem, it's not caring quite so much about the players when you stop being one yourself.
It's possible we might decide to try to stick to some sort of realistic update schedule (most likely either monthly or bi-monthly) because we don't want to just give up on everything. The fan mail is really the best encouragement we have for that.
As for Diary of a Planeswalker, we've talked about bleaching Blizzard's stain from it and telling the story in a more classic fantasy setting. It would be better for us because we could tell the story the way we wanted to rather than having to worry about tripping over trademarks all the time.
The good news is we managed to finally move out of Colorado to somewhere closer to actual civilization. So now that we're free of all that baggage, working on creative projects is a lot easier. It's very possible that the site will continue to update just as frequently as before!
What do you mean "whenever we feel like it" doesn't count as a schedule? Come on! Work with me here!
"Jacob's Crotchety Old Man Guide to Argent Tournament Dailies"
- Jacob 05.05.09
Because the average WoW gamer could barely figure out how to open the childproof cap on a bottle of aspirin, as a public service I'll post this guide to some of the more difficult Argent Tournament daily quests. This isn't so much a guide on how to complete the quests as it is how to not piss me off while I'm trying to complete them.
Quest: Threat From Above (a.k.a. Chillmaw, the group quest, "goddamnit, this again?")
There is only one thing that needs to be said about doing this quest:
If you see someone else attacking Chillmaw and his friends, BACK. THE. FUCK. OFF.
Do they not have lunch lines in elementary school anymore? Don't they teach kids how to wait their turn anymore? It's possible that some people are only trying to help. It's more likely that they have the impulse control of a jack russell terrier. Either way, what's going to happen is these impatient jerks are going to tap one or more bombadiers thus causing you to have to do the quest all over again. Sometimes more than once, depending on the number of idiots who show up.
Before you decide to go out, find a friend to bring along rather than just going out solo and expecting someone to help you. Just because daddy's been feeding your entitlement complex since the divorce doesn't mean everyone else will. While it's possible that a well-geared paladin could solo this quest, it would probably take a half-hour of running around bubbling and healing. Since there's only one spawn, all you're doing is causing the line to back up.
It says right there in the description. Group Quest. Suggested Players [3].
Quest: A Valiant's Field Training
Quest: Taking the Battle To The Enemy
(a.k.a. Undead Killing)
"Kill X of MobName." The quintessential WoW quest, and by that I mean that the quest designers have no concept of originality and we've been stuck with these same quests for years now. However if you actually bother reading the quest you'll notice it says "you may kill scourge in any part of Icecrown except the Bombardment." So why is it that everybody with this quest insists on running just outside the tournament to do this and then scream bloody murder at everyone else for "killstealing"? You have to have a flying mount just to get the quest. Chances are good you have an epic mount. So why not, oh I don't know, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE? Take a minute, fly in any direction, and spread out a bit.
Quest: Battle Before the Citadel
Quest: At the Enemy's Gates
(a.k.a. The Jousting Ones, "I hate those damn Commanders!")
Because outdoor instances are cool, we'll put them everywhere! Never mind that two people who aren't on exactly the same quest won't be able to help each other out. Already done the quest today but have a friend who wants to? Too bad, they're SOL. Grouping's not always possible with this one, so if you see a lone guy with a Commander attacking him, toss in a charge or two.
Now this doesn't mean you should be one of those halfwits that pulls every Commander and Lieutenant on the path, runs screaming back to the camp, then acts indignant when everyone doesn't immediately rush to his defense. If you get greedy and bite off more than you can chew, not to mention running back to where people are trying to get set up and mounted. Heck, at that point I'd wing a chaos bolt at your head myself if Blizzard would let us attack the idiots in our own faction.
Also remember that Blizzard thinks it's cool to frustrate players by making them fight over the same few spawns, so this place is going to be a meatgrinder during peak hours. So if someone happens to tap a mob just as you were setting up a charge, don't go chasing them down screaming about how they "stole your mob". Chances are while you're doing that, they're going to finish up and move on while you're still stuck there.
Quest: The Edge of Winter
A tribute to the foresight of Blizzard! On a server with thousands of people, let's make a quest where everyone has to flock to the same one non-elite spawn! There's no way that could go wrong!
Except that even spread out over the course of an entire day you still have dozens and dozens of people descending on the same ledge, all of whom forgot to take their medication, don't know what a line is for, and start to dance like a two-year-old with a full bladder if they have to wait more than ten seconds for anything.
Even as much as I hate the average WoW player, I'll still shoot off an invite or two if I see other Alliance people waiting. It's not their fault they're stuck there; it's Blizzard's. I can have a little pity and can put up with even the most retarded netkiddie for the five seconds it takes me to two-shot this mob. Apparently I'm the only one to figure this out, though, because while I'm sitting here with my group of five there's ten Horde players standing around, all trying to tap the spawn before anyone else can.
So now you've got your ember and you've made the long flight out to the fjord. Again, just one maiden there. Again, wait your turn! This is not only common courtesy, this is one of the few times in WoW where your impatience will screw you. I've seen plenty of people who tried to outdo someone else only to have their ember disappear without them getting the quest item. I laugh when that happens. Serves you right, you antsy little prick.
Finally, while it's a long way back to the tournament grounds and the mage who just finished up could shorten your trip significantly by opening a portal, if you're not polite about asking you are going to be told where to shove it. Mages are constantly bothered for portals by the same impatient people that can't wait their turn for a spawn and the last thing they need is one more stupid netkiddie begging for a free ride. Don't act like you're entitled to it, and be sure to thank the mage profusely afterward. The best thanks usually involve a bit of pocket change, but I'd be thrilled just to have someone hand me a rune and save me a trip to the reagent vendor.
Quest: A Blade Fit For A Champion
(a.k.a. Frog Kissing in Grizzly Hills)
First, make a macro. It should go something like this, and will target whatever frog you're facing:
#showtooltip
/use Warts-B-Gone Lip Balm
/target Lake Frog
/kiss
Then actually go out and kiss your fair share of frogs! Don't just stand around with your thumb up your ass and wait for someone else to do all the work so you can be a damn leech when the Maiden pops up. There are around four dozen of the little things hopping around there. If you're afraid of your e-peen shrinking because you had to type out /kiss to a frog, you probably didn't have much of one in the first place.
Quest: Blade of Drak'mar (a.k.a. Flowers for the Troll Lady)
This is the only intelligently-designed daily quest in the series, which makes me think Blizzard's cutting costs by outsourcing. You get your flowers, you take them to the lake, and you get the sword. If she's already there, you can just grab it.
Thus far I haven't seen any hordes of people hovering over the lake waiting for someone else to bring the flowers. People seem considerate enough to bring their own. Nor have I seen any people fighting over the flower spawns. There seems to be enough for everyone.
I guess as long as it stays that way, there shouldn't be a problem. I just wish all the quests were designed like this. It would save everyone a lot of headache and frustration.
"This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things"
- Jacob 12.17.08
*bangs head against desk*
I suppose this is some sort of rite of initiation for webcomics, having your site plundered by kiddies who think Right
Click>Save As gives them license to take whatever they want and post it all over the web.
Yes, it seems the internet got a hold of the Obama Achievement picture and posted it in blogs and on forums minus the
watermark and site link. I, of course, knew nothing about how widespread it was until I happened to run across it on
another webcomic artist's site because not a single one out there links back to this site.
I can only hope he's got a bit of sympathy for another webcomic site having images ripped and reposted.
So what turned out as an afternoon project to amuse a couple of friends ended up as a major blood pressure spike.
Well, consider this [Achievement: Lesson Learned], which I managed to earn by having Anya make up a brand new
Watermark of Death to include any time I start acting above my station and decide to use Photoshop on my own again.
I think I'll stick to MS Word for a while like a good writer. I can't imagine how real artists deal with this kind of thing.
So, once again for the people who didn't see the notice at the bottom of the page, Please e-mail before using,
reproducing, or borrowing any portion of this site!
And to the people who decided it was cool enough to steal but not cool enough to include a link, thank you.
Thank you for screwing us out of a possible readership bump and a good chunk of internet presence.
"Updates? No Wai!" - Jacob 04.25.08
The latest Rotten Apple update is due to a sudden and unexplained surge of interest in the site that included a new
round of fan mail. I guess someone told a friend who told a friend who told a friend.
Whatever the reason, thanks for the support!
General Lack of Creativity
I've played every class in WoW. Since I play Horde and Alliance on separate servers, I have at least two of every
class. Sometimes more, since I have a bad habit of getting a new character idea in my head then making a
representation in-game.
The only exception is the Druid.
I have a Horde Druid that I play as the shapeshifting animal type. I keep thinking that I should come up with
an Alliance Druid to play. Most of my Alliance characters are 70 anyway, and I can only do so many boring
daily quests before my brain starts applying for its own passport.
Then I start thinking about how I'd want to play this new druid. When creating a new character, I like to try
something different. Having seen too many Druid players driven mad with constant cries of "u
healz r raid kk?", I'd probably stay away from that. So that leaves a caster Druid type. I start
thinking that could be interesting... then I remember what it would mean for me in-game.
Boomkin.
So not wanting to get stuck playing a stupid-looking laser turkey, I toss the whole idea into the
rubbish bin. Then I get angry at Blizzard for their general lack of creativity in designing their classes.
I'm unsure if the game was just designed this way or it ended up this way after dozens of patches and
Blizzard listening to their fanboys too much, but in WoW there are only three classes: Tank, DPS, and
Heals. Listen in to any Trade channel or LookingForGroup channel if you don't believe me. Nobody
asks for Warriors, Paladins, or Priests. They either need a Tank or a Healer, since everyone's already
playing DPS. And if you have the temerity to answer their queries with your actual class name, you
get what is (in my opinion) the most retarded answer in the game:
"wat spec r u???"
This phrase, roughly translated from Idiot, means something like "Please inform me as to
your character's current distribution of talent points so I can figure out how to pigeonhole
you into one particular role in our group instead of allowing you to use all your character's abilities
to their fullest effect." This idea stems from WoW's talent trees, whereby each class
is granted three areas of advancement that roughly correspond to those pigeonholes, to the point
where they could rename those trees Tank, DPS, and Heal and people wouldn't notice.
Indeed, many would applaud Blizzard for making their game easier, since long words like
'Affliction' and 'Protection' tend to give them migraines. Heck, they already started designing
class armor sets around the idea that people will be stuck in those roles, why not take the next step?
One of my recent projects, loosely associated with this comic in ways that won't be discussed, has
been to run a Warcraft RPG. I've been using the Warhammer FRP rules as a base because
while I do have the White Wolf-published Warcraft RPG book, it's essentially a D&D 3.5
rulebook with the Warcraft logo pasted on the cover and I've never been a fan of d20.
This means I've been spending a good bit of time tweaking the rules to accommodate multiple
character races and career classes. One of the classes I tweaked quite a bit was the Druid.
Reaching back to WC3, I thought it would be interesting to allow any players who decided to follow
that path to start out as a general druid type then branch out one of three ways: Druid of the Claw,
Druid of the Talon, and Keeper of the Grove. Within an hour or two of coming up with this
foundation, I had stats, skills, and spell lists all worked out.
After tossing out my Alliance Druid idea, I started to wonder why we can't have things like that
in WoW. Why can't we have classes that are designed to be fun and interesting to play and
related to the WoW lore without being unnaturally twisted to fit in Blizzard's three-class system?
Even just taking an idea like this and pasting it over the current talent trees would be a step in
the right direction.
Keeper of the Grove: Bonuses to healing spells and spells relating to plants/trees like Treants,
Thorns, etc.
Druid of the Claw: Access to ground shapeshift forms of Wolf, Bear, and Cat, each with different
bonuses and access to different spells like Roar and Rake.
Druid of the Talon: Access to flying shapeshift forms of Raven, Hawk, and Owl, each with different
bonuses that allow more range spells and air-themed spells like Cyclone and Wrath (which should
be changed away from generic green bolt-thing to something actually druid-y).
After playing a Tauren Druid of the Claw I think an Elven Druid of the Talon would be fun to
play, but I guess that sort of thing's going to be confined to the realm of pen-and-paper. It's
kind of sad, really.
Though now I'm sorely tempted to log into my paladin and respec him 20-20-20 with the last point unspent
so I can tell people who ask "I'm a PALADIN, friend. No Holy, no Protect, and
no Ret. Just a Paladin. Deal with it."
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