"Alterac Valley Redux" - Jacob 09.25.06

I did the Alterac Valley thing on the Alliance side. I did the grind, got the items (shame The Unstoppable Force looks like crap, or I'd pick one of those up too) and generally just bopped around at about 4 frames per second. Boy do I need to upgrade my hardware.

But for the past few weeks I've been doing a different kind of grind. My Tauren Shaman needs a wolf mount, because the kodo look stupid and Blizzard never made Plainsrunning work. Most turn-ins give 10 Orgrimmar rep, and that's better than farming runecloth.

So, in I go. Let me just say that I'm only speaking for Battlegroup 9 here. I don't know how it is on any of the other battlegroups. So consult your server list before getting all angry and sending threatening e-mails.

First off, let me say that I love the Horde population on my own server. People tend to be more mature, roleplayers who have all chosen rich lore over "omgbewbz". Thanks to the 10 character limit, I only have 3 Horde characters on my server, which is unfortunate because I always have a better time playing that side.

Unfortunately, that Horde maturity seems unique to my server.

I can't even begin to describe how horrible the whining is on the Horde side, compared to the Alliance. Even though there tends to be less outright profanity than on the Alliance side, Horde battleground chat in Alterac Valley is a constant, uninterrupted stream of bitching and moaning. There is one thing everyone seems to agree on, though: the Horde will always lose in Alterac Valley. It's the mother of all self-fulfilling prophecies. Five minutes into every match, there's always at least one person going on about how the Horde has already lost.

The remaining half-hour is usually spent in a 20-man debate (the other 20 people are either fishing or using anti-AFK bots to farm reputation) on exactly why the Horde always loses. The Alliance has better gear, the Alliance all use exploits, Blizzard likes Nelfs better so the graveyards are positioned for Alliance benefit, the Alliance base is easier to defend, the Alliance can bypass the NPC guards in the Horde base to attack the general... it goes on and on and on.

It's gotten so bad, that I've actually turned off the battleground chat while I go about my normal routine. Not being decked out in raid gear like everyone else, I'm not much use on the front lines. So I usually head out to grab what blood, flesh, and scraps I can, make a turn-in run or two, and then start running wolves back to the stable. With a little luck, I can net 600+ Orgrimmar reputation a match, which is nice but a bit tedious.

Plus, it's always great to see the Wolf Riders go out. Everyone complains that they're not worth it, but they've taken back the nearby graveyard more times than all the whiners ever have.

"First AV" - Jacob 08.25.06

On a whim, I decided to queue up for Alterac Valley. I honestly don't know why. I suppose the novelty of being able to participate in a match coupled with the novelty of seeing a new zone was finally enough.

For the record: I've been very vocally anti-PvP in the past. Let me make this clear, I don't hate the game, I hate the players. The whole netkiddie mentality that dominated Battle.net bothers me to no end. The fact that PvP is stacked so heavily against the casual player doesn't help matters. But despite all this, I do dabble a bit in the ancient and noble art of pwning.

My first impression of Alterac Valley is that it is not at all friendly to the new player. I loot a corpse, I get armor scraps. What the hell do I do with these? Why the hell do I have three different kinds of medals? Why the hell are there harpies chasing me?!? Fortunately, I managed to figure most of this out by the middle of my second match. Oh, and don't you dare stop to ask someone, because everyone in the entire zone will drop whatever they are doing to call you a noob.

Speaking of everyone doing nothing but chatting... It seems like all 39 other people on my team were doing nothing but typing the entire time, with more profanity than I've ever seen in any battleground. (I can't imagine what Ventrilo must be like.) They're constantly whining on about how someone did something wrong, or how we're going to lose, or how if we don't do this right now then they'll win. Now let me tell you something, I type upwards of 175wpm. My typing speed has been described as "insane" by more than one person. And yet, there is an upper limit on the amount of messages I can send while seriously playing the game. These people have to be sitting around in a cave somewhere, whining on about a battle they can't even see.

I actually did try to play the game, with all the point-capturing and resource-running and whatnot. And in 2 out of three games, I was the only one. (In my first game, the Horde actually bothered to capture their mine.) It seems the dominant strategy is for all 40 Hordies to run straight to Dun Baldar and all 40 Alliance run to Frostwolf Keep. Matches last about as long as the average Arathi Basin match. So here I am, running rams back to the stables and in the middle of the third one...>BAM< Alliance wins. There's no strategy at all; it's just Warsong Gulch with a bigger map. This bothers me quite a bit, because it seems to be such a waste. If I wanted zerg rush, I'd head out to the Plaguelands. The whole thing was a bit of a let-down.

There was one thing that I did like: the reputation gain. Playing an unselfish Paladin, I'd toss out Greater Blessings like they were Tootsie Rolls in a ticker-tape parade. And, lo and behold, everyone that got a buff would send some rep my way whenever they killed something. I played a total of 3 matches today, and my Paladin is just shy of being Friendly with Stormpike, almost 3000 points. That said, I don't think I'll be playing a Paladin in the Valley again. No range attack, no charge... I alternated between being a decoy and being a healbot. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm swinging Lord Alex's axe as my main 2-hander. Itemization in PvP still bothers me, but I doubt Blizzard will ever do anything about it since the whole game revolves entirely on the loot.

I'd like to go back someday. Maybe when my hunter gets up in levels I'll go fight for the Horde. Or maybe my Shaman. I have this hope that my Shaman can get enough Orgrimmar reputation to get a wolf mount since the kodo look so horrible. I'll have to upgrade my RAM first, though. My computer at 512MB chokes and dies whenever more than 10 people are near me, but my roomate's laptop at 1GB seems to handle it just fine.

All in all, I think my first experience in Alterac Valley pretty well mirrors my experience with WoW as a whole: Generally disenchanted.

"The Instigator" - Jacob 08.14.06

Hello. My name is Jacob, and I am an instigator.

I have this horrible habit of standing up and pointing out people who are obviously full of shit. The funny thing is, everyone around me seems to be able to recognize when someone is obviously full of shit, but nobody but me ever manages to stand up and call it what it is. It seems to be another one of those odd social inhibitions, like not taking the last slice of cake or never telling people when they have something hanging out of their nostril.

I was given the name of "Instigator" one day while sitting in a composition class. The bubble-headed, almost Amazonian grad student instructing the class was giving a lecture on the proper use of the comma. Somehow, before I even knew it, I was out of my seat and railing against the idiocy of teaching basic grammar in a Junior-level college writing class. The other students were both shocked and relieved; many of them had the same thoughts but were afraid to speak up for fear of being the only one.

So when I see a naked human female sitting on the steps of Stormwind Bank sending out whispers to all passers-by that she'd be a wonderful obedient slave to any random person willing to pay them some small scrap of attention, the same compulsion takes me.

Because sometimes you just have to call a whore a whore.

"If At First You Don't Succeed, Shuffle Things Around And Hope No One Notices" - Jacob 07.22.06

Howdy folks! I know you were all expecting the next story comic. Don't worry, we'll get back on schedule soon. We just came up with this idea and had to put it up.

For those of you living in dark holes who have not heard the news, Blizzard has announced that Blood Elf Paladins will fight for the Horde and Draenei Shamans will fight for the Alliance. What little difference existed between the two factions just went up in smoke. Already people on both sides of the issue are complaining that paladins are overpowered and no one will play shamans anymore.

The worst part about this whole fiasco, the part that reeks the most, is the inane cover story someone at Blizzard pinched out to try and explain the decision. It makes Metzen's Draenei origin story look tame in comparison. Everyone's well aware that the reason this was done was all the little fanboys whining that PvP is unfair because they got killed by a paladin, or that raiding is unfair because someone wouldn't let a shaman in the group. Rather than trying to make the game fun to play, Blizzard is capitulating to every crybaby with enough free time to make a forum post in a desperate attempt to keep people from quitting the game.

Forget stupid ideas like "class balance", what Blizzard needs to do is say "We set up these classes certain ways. If you don't like to play one class, try playing another. We have nine of them, for crying out loud. Chances are you'll like at least one." I don't get all the people with level 60 characters whining on the boards that their class is no fun to play. If it's no fun, why did you play it enough to get that far? I know Blizzard keeps promising "soon, soon" but I can't believe anyone's buying that anymore. "Wait for the next patch," they say. "We'll do a talent review," they tell us. But nothing much ever changes, and people still keep coming back with the same old gripes. No new content, everything's a grind, Blizzard keeps raping the lore. Et cetera, et cetera.

You know, back in the day, Blizzard was a successful computer game producer. Their crowning jewel was the game StarCraft, still widely considered the best real-time strategy game in existence. Blizzard had created a game with three completely different factions, rather than the standard two factions which were actually the same thing with different art. Each faction had a different play style which required a completely different strategy to play. In producing WarCraft III, they regressed back to having similar factions with different art. The Horde plays the same as the Alliance, and the Undead are just Night Elves recolored.

In World of Warcraft, especially with this new announcement, Blizzard has moved all the way back to one faction type, one set of units with different races for each faction. There's no difference between Horde and Alliance anymore, and no real reason to choose one over the other. Rather than setting the stage with different players possessing unique skills, Blizzard keeps appealing to the lowest common denominator and making everyone the same. There's no strategy anymore, just a bunch of people spending every waking hour grinding for a slightly better nerf bat to hit everyone else with.

Sooner or later, empty promises and shuffling talent abilities aren't going to placate a playerbase frustrated with a complete lack of content. People are going to realize they're not having fun anymore.

Mark my words, that's the day World of Warcraft dies.

"Victory!" - Jacob 07.21.06

We're pleased to announce our first victory in the War on Emo! It's been a hard war, filled with sacrifice. Believe me, it's hard looking at all these descriptions day in and day out. It does things to a person's mind, strains the limits of sanity. But we fight on behalf of people everywhere who just want to live in peace, to live without fear of attention whores, godmodders, or emotards.

At least one Rotten Apple has been shamed into removing their horrid flagrsp description, presumably due to our exposing them for the pathetic loser they were. Know that we don't use this as an excuse to grow lax in our duties, but as an incentive to fight harder. To shine the light into the dark corners where these people hide and subject them to the ridicule they deserve.

You too can be a soldier in the War on Emo! No, we're not asking you to buy war bonds (although that isn't such a bad idea), but if you see anyone that might be a Rotten Apple, take a screenshot of their flagrsp description and e-mail it to me for review. It's like picking up litter, only funnier.

Remember, only you can prevent emotards.

"Nothing to Write Home About" - Jacob 06.21.06

The quality of content in the WoW patches has been on the decline for a while now. They've been following a pretty predictable formula.

Step 1: Choose Bad Guy (bug/zombie/demon/etc.).
Step 2: Spawn a bunch of them in random zones.
Step 3: Create a dungeon of higher level than any existing dungeons and tack it onto an existing dungeon. Make said dungeon require tons of resist gear.
Step 4: Create the resist gear so people can actually go into the dungeon. Make it so they have to grind just so they can get the pattern for the gear.

As I'm writing this, I'm playing in the Scourge Invasion world event. Yes, I'm writing this and playing simultaneously, that's how much attention it's taking to do the event. I think it's called a "world event" only technically, because it's an event and because it happens in the world. It's certainly nothing to write home about.

"Dear Mother and Father,

Summer camp here in Tanaris is going fine. Robert had to scrub toilets when he pointed out to the camp counselor that Gadgetzan doesn't have a swimming pool. There was a scourge invasion today, and that was kinda cool. There's supposed to be another one tonight.

Love, Jimmy"

Seriously, the entire event can be summed up as "Kill these guys until these other guys spawn, then kill them. When you've killed them for a while, the citadel will go away, then come back later and you can start killing the first guys all over again." It took the Blizzard creative team months to make this happen. These are the same people who have overused the word 'epic' so that it's lost all meaning. 'Epic' needs to mean something more than just 'novel'. I want to feel like I should be doing something more than creating a Paladin, setting him on autopilot, and going to make myself a sandwich.

"Stop Bothering Me, and Thank You For Playing WoW!" - Jacob 06.13.06

Once again, the roleplayers of WoW have reared up and demanded their voices be heard by a game company that's completely ignoring them. This happens about once every month or so, and never really goes anywhere except helping the next crop or potential roleplayers become jaded and bitter. This time, though, the "revolution" is happening in the Customer Service Forum, where Blizzard's lackeys are expected to respond. This has been my favorite line so far:

"Bear in mind we do not actively police any realm for violations of our Harassment, Naming, or Role-Play policies and conduct our primary investigations based upon player-submitted reports."

This pretty much sums up the problem. See, GM's are just minimum wage employees equipped with a series of form letters. They're not supposed to think, or make actual decisions to help players. They just follow a series of instructions based on how your problem fits into their little checkboxes.

I've always been against the idea of a "GM Island", where customer service characters sit and give out form letter responses. It keeps them from being involved in the community like they should be. The situation is akin to having a police station without any cars on patrol. Because there are no authorities out in the world, people feel free to violate the rules with complete impunity. They rely on the law-abiding citizens to report the absolute worst offenses.

The response to this usually goes something like: "But Azeroth is a big place! We can't just put GM's everywhere, that's too hard!" or "GM's have to do other things, like helping people get un-stuck and stuff!" Would you want to live in a city where the police department stayed in the station all the time except for quick jaunts to help get kittens out of trees? All it would take would be stationing GM's in strategic locations. Near flight masters in cities, banks, mailboxes, auction houses. If they happen to see a name that violates the rules, or someone spamming the /yell channel with racial slurs (this happens about once a week on our server, usually about 2am server time when there aren't any GM's online. "24-hour customer service", what a joke) they just press a button that disconnects the player, deletes the character, and sends a form letter to the player's email. It's one click, two if they remember to put in a confirmation box, that wouldn't even interrupt the current ticket. The best part is that once people realize that the GM's are actually watching them, they'll be less inclined to violate the rules, making the GM's job that much easier.

Basically, Blizzard expects the population of the servers to enforce the policies for them instead of actually providing this service. The rules don't really mean squat to them, as long as you're paying your monthly fee. We, as roleplayers and customers, expect policy enforcement to be included in the cost of customer service, but Blizzard has not and never will devote the resources to this.

The fact is Blizzard has not done one single thing to improve the roleplaying environment since the release of the game.

It's another situation in which the company is making determinations about the quality of its products and services. They go on about how important customer service is to them despite the fact that a large percentage of their customers are telling them their service is abysmal. So the customers are completely ignored, and are left with only two options. They can either suck it up and continue to play a game that becomes less appealing with every bad experience, or they can cancel and move on.

The "suck money out of customers until they're pissed enough to leave" idea doesn't seem like a good business strategy for a video game company, but it's one Blizzard's committed to.

Slightly recycled rant, but still applicable. - Anya

"Less. Is. More." - Jacob 05.31.06

These are words that Blizzard's artists need to hear and have bored into their psyches. There are plenty of good-looking weapon and armor models in the game. All low-level, all from before the first patch. Beyond that, it's like Gil Hibben took over the weapon design department. Everything's oversized, sprouting multiple spikes, and is glowing like it's radioactive.

Blackwing Lair was the climax of their attempts to make World of Warcraft look like the unholy child of D&D and Sesame Street. I mean, once you've stuck a flintlock pistol in a rubber dragon puppet and slapped the Eye of Sauron on top, your path to the Dark Side is pretty much complete.

The worst part about it is every new giant model and every new glowing particle effect they add means one more solid object your computer has to download and render, further contributing to the lag and performance problems that are becoming an increasingly serious problem in the game. I've dreamed of an "Enforce Racial Stereotypes" option that would render each character of the same race the same way, regardless of what they had equipped. Better yet, the removal of all dropped loot and replacing it with crafted items in the style of the race that crafted it. I doubt the goobers will care at all, as long as it still has the purple name, insane stats, and takes ninety-six consecutive play hours to acquire.

I just want to be able to play the game without worrying if the next weapon I equip is going to look like a Kit Rae reject being sold on late-night QVC. Is that really so much to ask?

"Metzen's Betrayal" - Jacob 05-18-06

So the shit has finally hit the fan down at Blizzard. The announcement of the Draenei as the new Alliance race has caused quite an uproar among World of Warcraft fans. Reactions are ranging from "I'm waiting for someone to shout 'April Fool's!'" to burning Chris Metzen, the Warcraft loremaster and man responsible for this catastrophe, in effigy. After three days of the fans yelling, screaming, and cursing on the World of Warcraft forums Metzen had this to say.

For those of you who don't want to follow the link and read the long block of text, here's the quick version. Metzen admits he screwed up, gives "that just happens sometimes" as an excuse, and says they're not going to do anything about it. The whole thing reeks of bullshit and, not surprisingly, most people are calling him on it. Nobody's sure if it's a case of him being rushed by Blizzard's new slavemaster Vivendi, abject laziness on his part, or a horrible brain fungus, but the verdict is the same nonetheless.

Metzen sold us out.

Every time I see an artist gives up on their work, a little piece of me dies. Because more often than not, it's because they were trying to milk the franchise instead of creating something worthwhile. And this isn't just about people like George Lucas churning out junk because they know people will buy it. This has been happening to a lot of my favorite authors recently. Robert Jordan ruined the Wheel of Time series this way. Elizabeth Haydon rushed through the Rhapsody series and clearly ran out of steam about halfway through. Even Terry Brooks, one of my long time favorites, ended up cranking out a piece of garbage to finish the latest Shannara trilogy on time.

As an author, I can't imagine being greedy enough to sell out my creations to make a quick buck. I would rather leave my stories as bits on a hard drive than put out some half-assed piece of work. Fans deserve better than that, and I place a high value on my self-respect. I look at all these unfinished and poorly-finished stories and all I can think is "I could have done better. They should have done better."

The one problem with the whole situation is, thanks to copyright laws written by businessmen, it's usually corporations holding the rights to produce. Which tends to mean that artists have to bend their creations to their masters' wishes if they want to get their work out to the fans. This doesn't stop people who really care about their work, however. People like Joss Whedon, who fought to bring Serenity to the fans after FOX pulled the plug on Firefly and threatened to sit on the production rights for ten years.

If Metzen had any respect for his work or his fans, he would have quit his job rather than see this mess go live. Blizzard and Vivendi would have choked as all the loyal Warcraft fans followed him out rather than see the stories that they loved get chewed up in the corporate machine.

Instead, Metzen chose to give all those loyal fans the finger.

So here's us, returning the favor.